Two tailors took a walk one spring
Outside in the garden.
The first one cried out, “Gods defend us!”
The other one said, “Pardon?”
“Oh! We are doomed!” the first one groaned,
“Oh! Doomed!” did he bewail,
For on the ground in front of them
There sat a slimy snail.
Chorus:
Helix pomatia and aspersa!
Things are getting worse, and worser!
Nemoralis and hortensis,
Sliding o’er the garden fences!
Grim pulchella, aculeata,
Rupestris foul, and rotundata!
It’s drizzling, there is no sun!
Oh! Horrors! My heart fails!
The garden has been overrun
By marauding SNAILS!
“Oh Cripes!” the second tailor screamed,
“Oh what a fearful sight!”
While with his pin the first one stabbed
The horrid hermaphrodite.
“Go—go away!” the second said
With a nervous stutter,
Or my friend will have your foot
Sauteed in garlic butter!”
But still the snail sat in its shell;
It didn’t even blink.
“If we’re defeated by a snail,
What will the neighbours think?”
The first one poked it with his scissors,
The second with a knife,
But sorely tempted were the men
To run for dear life.
And then the snail stuck out its head;
The tailors blenched with fright,
For they had jousted ne’er before
With a snail in all its might.
“Oh we will call on thrushes all
To come down in a flock,
And smash your shell to smithereens
Against a piece of rock!”
But slimily the snail advanced,
(It was not in a hurry),
And both the tailors’ sweaty brows
Were quite furrowed with worry.
Its foot began to undulate;
Its horns waved in the air,
And its eyes came out on stalks
The tailors for to scare.
Then the tailors ran like hell;
They even pooed their britches:
It dribbled halfway down their legs
And oozed out from the stitches.
And still the snail lumbered on,
Undaunted by the foe,
The tailors hid inside their house
And cried aloud with woe.
Then up rode bold Sir Ponsonby
Upon his charging steed;
He really was a dashing sight,
The tailors both agreed.
His lance he pointed at its shell,
His sword aimed at its heart,
Sir Ponsonby cried, “Snail, prepare,
This world to depart!”
But then the knight stopped in his tracks,
He gave an awful start,
For the snail had taken careful aim
And shot him with a dart.
He swooned amid the cabbage patch;
His palfrey ran away,
And loudly all the slugs proclaimed
The snail had won the day.
Source material. Snails such as Helix aspersa fire darts at each other in amorous rituals before mating. Many medieval carvings, such as one on a misericord in Beverley Minster, depict knights and other men in combat with snails.
Giles Watson (2005), in ‘Watson, L., and Dallwitz, M.J. 2005 onwards. The families of British non-marine molluscs (slugs, snails and mussels).
Version: 23rd October 2005.